Day 13: Final Orientation day 8

9:00am - Announcements. Our director notified us that she had a headache and her tolerance would be less flexible then normal, and that she may talk funny. General announcements including a warning that we are contractually bound to promote AmeriCorps. The point of this announcement was we are to have a signature on our email address that includes naming ourselves as an AmeriCorps member.

I tried doing this last year and could not figure it out. I looked at online guides, asked people around the office and had no luck setting it up. I use windows outlook. It was a very frustrating issue, especially since I'm very aware that it isn't that complicated. I don't know why it's so hard for me! Today when she told us we "must" do this, I became instantly anxious. I raised my hand.

Me quite nervously : I tried to sit up a signature last year and couldn't figure it out.
Director sarcastically : There is this little thing called help you can click on.
Me embarrassed : I did that, I also asked for help from several people around the office....
Director goes to say something as another member begins to say something....
Me trailing off: I guess I'm just too ignorant to get it.
Another Team member: I can help you at lunch.
Me: Thankyou.

Ok... I'm a very quiet person. I have opinions and I can get angry pretty fast, but I'm quiet about it. Before AmeriCorps this has served me well. It leashes reactions that have the possibility of being very regrettable. When I do speak up (after minutes of trying to work up the courage to do so), I'm usually 99% sure that what I'm saying is correct or adds to the content of the group discussion in some way. So in conclusion I have NEVER had anyone publicly humiliate me by calling in to question my intelligence and ability to problem solve on such a basic level as to "get help".

Yes, maybe my hasty comment/question was part of the unfiltered 1%...but I don't feel that my directors reaction was appropriate at all. It was just nasty. And if I had any doubt as to the validity of my emotion concerning this situation, the team mates who spoke up on my behalf trying to assuage my shame and offer me help confirmed that my perception of what had just happened was accurate.

Oh, at the end of the day she lectured us about editing our instant reactions to others when they offer up suggestions or questions. She said to remember that we are all different and that maybe it took that person a lot of positive self talk and courage to join the conversation.

Yes, I do realize that this sounds like I'm just wining. And maybe I am. But I felt about 2 inches tall, wanted to crawl under the table and could barely think enough to sputter out words that made since. So, to me...it is note worthy.

Tomorrow is our first service project. I'm looking forward to it.