Day 18/19: Sunday Night/Monday Morning

At this moment all I can think is..."Crap" I have to be up in 5 hours!".

There are many worse things to experience then family drama on work nights. However, at right now I can not think of any.

Apathetic, depressed, hopeless...none of these descriptives are adequate right now.

I hope this passes in the next 5 hours.

Day 14: Service Project 1 - United Way Day of Caring

How to start this entry without just repeatedly typing "Awesome"?

Seriously had a fantastic day full of camaraderie, service, laughter and hard work.

7:45am
We showed up at the building all "Day of Caring" volunteers meet up at in the morning. Over 300+ volunteers from various non profits and local businesses registered and showed up! All of them wearing the shirts that the AmeriCorps team spent a day tie dying. They looked better on bodies then they did on the hangers.

8:15am
All volunteers head to their perspective service sites for the day. These sites consisted of many non profit organization that needed yard work, deep cleaning, painting and various other general maintenance jobs that get left undone do to little man power and time constraints. Cherry and I carpooled with two other ladies. We laughed the whole drive to our service site!

8:30am
We arrive at our service site, which happens to be a local support shelter. We spend the first 15 minutes getting organized, signing confidentiality agreements and then we are dispersed to our perspective tasks. Cherry (who is now on crutches)stays outside while I'm sent inside (typical). My task is to wash windows with 3 others. We wip through this task in about 20 minutes! So we take to deep cleaning the kitchen.

11:30am
We finished everything we could at the moment, and so I headed to our team leader for new tasks. Part of our team was tearing...peeling...chipping off foam matting that had been glued to pavement. (who does that?) So while the team leader asked us all to go that area to help...I was the only one who did. One found another tasks she liked better, the other was getting sick...Oh...and the other actually began working on cleaning the outside windows which involved a 16 foot long squeegee!

12-1pm Lunch!
Boxes were flipped over, chairs appeared at of thing air and we all ate pizza hut provided to us by the support shelter, and drank pop and water. Everybody was pretty tired at this point. Some didn't want to sit down because they weren't sure they'd be able to get up. The work we were doing was pretty physiclly demaning involving, bending, stooping, lots of upper arm strength and more.

1pm
I joined the ranks of the pavement chippers. I did that until about 2pm when my right hand had gone numb from the work and my left hand couldn't stand being hit with the hammer anymore. I would get so focused on the glue and foam I'd be watching that instead of my hand...and then after the right one began to give out...the left one began to get hit more often. It's so swollen right now! lol.

2pm
I became official garbage sack person. Holding it for those who were sweeping, taking it around and making sure all the garbage was cleaned up. Not a very fancy job, but one I saw a need for.


2:30pm
Transit back to the volunteer building. One word....laughter!

2:45pm
More chairs had been put up and "ALL" the volunteers who slowly trickled in from their service sites took a seat. The gathering crowd wasn't nearly as loud and energetic as it was a the beginning of the day. People looked worn out, dirty and sore! Yet, everyone was smiling and in good spirits. We heard some really cool service stories from the day, and then began the raffle for various items that had been donated. There was a candy bouquet, an amazing spa treatment package (donated by the local spa who closed down their business to participate in the Day of Caring Event!)toilet paper, paper towels, 100$ visa gift card and more.

There are some pretty amazing raffle items listed above...yet the one that got the most applause...that caused the most commotion was the toilet paper! It's become legendary to covet the toilet paper give away at the DoC! lol.

AmeriCorps members one the toilet paper and paper towels!! Lol


I talked to the director of the DoC project. I asked a about a service slide show at the end of the day. She said they had done that in years previous. I said I would love to help with that project next year...and she grinned, grabbed my shoulders and said "You got it! Then your the person to head it up!". lol

This day is what service is all about. Giving all you can, whether it's more or less then others doesn't matter. It's about serving to the best of your ability and knowing that your making a difference! It's renewed my heart for service. It's energized my soul and I can't wait to get this year started!!

Day 13: Final Orientation day 8

9:00am - Announcements. Our director notified us that she had a headache and her tolerance would be less flexible then normal, and that she may talk funny. General announcements including a warning that we are contractually bound to promote AmeriCorps. The point of this announcement was we are to have a signature on our email address that includes naming ourselves as an AmeriCorps member.

I tried doing this last year and could not figure it out. I looked at online guides, asked people around the office and had no luck setting it up. I use windows outlook. It was a very frustrating issue, especially since I'm very aware that it isn't that complicated. I don't know why it's so hard for me! Today when she told us we "must" do this, I became instantly anxious. I raised my hand.

Me quite nervously : I tried to sit up a signature last year and couldn't figure it out.
Director sarcastically : There is this little thing called help you can click on.
Me embarrassed : I did that, I also asked for help from several people around the office....
Director goes to say something as another member begins to say something....
Me trailing off: I guess I'm just too ignorant to get it.
Another Team member: I can help you at lunch.
Me: Thankyou.

Ok... I'm a very quiet person. I have opinions and I can get angry pretty fast, but I'm quiet about it. Before AmeriCorps this has served me well. It leashes reactions that have the possibility of being very regrettable. When I do speak up (after minutes of trying to work up the courage to do so), I'm usually 99% sure that what I'm saying is correct or adds to the content of the group discussion in some way. So in conclusion I have NEVER had anyone publicly humiliate me by calling in to question my intelligence and ability to problem solve on such a basic level as to "get help".

Yes, maybe my hasty comment/question was part of the unfiltered 1%...but I don't feel that my directors reaction was appropriate at all. It was just nasty. And if I had any doubt as to the validity of my emotion concerning this situation, the team mates who spoke up on my behalf trying to assuage my shame and offer me help confirmed that my perception of what had just happened was accurate.

Oh, at the end of the day she lectured us about editing our instant reactions to others when they offer up suggestions or questions. She said to remember that we are all different and that maybe it took that person a lot of positive self talk and courage to join the conversation.

Yes, I do realize that this sounds like I'm just wining. And maybe I am. But I felt about 2 inches tall, wanted to crawl under the table and could barely think enough to sputter out words that made since. So, to me...it is note worthy.

Tomorrow is our first service project. I'm looking forward to it.

Day 8: Orientation day 5

The day I had believed would not come, began yesterday and bleed in to today. I didn't mind orientation yesterday and even released a few sincere smiles. Today I would go so far as to say I enjoyed orientation.

This morning we finished going over the contract, went through "social Media" guidelines (rules and threats of termination would be the more appropriate title)and played a comical "name" game. Everyone seems to be getting a long so well!

One member mysteriously disappeared after the second day of orientation, and her replacement was hired today. She's very, very quiet.

During lunch Cherry and I ran to the clothing printers shop to see if we could get larger sizes in gear. This was such an unnecessary stress for both of us honestly. When we were first asked to come in and try on gear for sizing, Cherry (who is at least 2 sizes smaller then me.) tried on the largest size for which they had a sample. She could barely move her arms and zipping it up was far from an option. Well, obviously I didn't even try. This is the conversation that proceeded between me and the AmeriCorps support staff after witnessing Cherry's humiliation.

Me: Do you know what the largest size they come in is?
Support Staff: I don't know.
Me: I don't know what to do with that information.
Support Staff: You don't think a ::SIZE::: will fit?
Me: I know it won't. You don't have a list of sizes?
Support Staff: No, they didn't send one.
Me: Oh.
Support Staff: Stares at me with a perplexed and frustrated gaze.
Me: Well, I think we should save the money and just not order one. Because if it's too small I wouldn't be able to wear it and it would just be a waste.
Support Staff: Well you have to have one, your part of the team.
Me: I understand that. And I do want one. But I know how tight the budget is, and I feel like it would be a waste.
Support Staff: Well, you need to pick a size.
Me...frustrated and embarrassed: I don't know what to say. If you order it, and I can't wear it....
Support Staff: Stares
Me: I gotta go.

Today during lunch Cherry and I found out that we can get the sizes we need and even ordered black vests, and a polo that will fit me and her! I will be able to fit in with the rest of the team when we wear our polos this year. It's a nice feeling. Course, I have to pay for the polo even though had the Support Staff cared to research the available sizes (instead of telling me that the size I got was the biggest size they came in) I wouldn't have to spend my stipend money on this. O'well, at least I'll have gear that fits!

Gotta say that my feelings on this subject are still a bit sensitive. It really felt like the support staff and director were both simply unwilling to help with our situation. Whether this attitude was from simply not giving a shit or out of inconvenience...it was still hurtful. And had Cherry not had a slight emotional outburst about the situation in front of the entire team and the old director (who told her she needed to consult the new director)...I'm really not sure the current staff would have been so willing to be flexible. And I feel like I should add... I'm really quite fond of the support staff, which is why I'm more hurt then angry.

During the swear in today I reconnected with a second year member and began a positive relationship with a late first year hire.

This team has such a diverse group of individuals! I have high hopes for the team and our ability to mesh well.

Day 7: Orientation day 4

This day we started off with a small training on "The Spheres of Influence" presented by the director of our grantee. This was the second time I did this exercise, the first being last year. It's was a nice surprise to see how much my spheres have grown over the year!!

We also played the games that the second year members devised last Tuesday. The first was a game of Jeopardy, for which the questions pertained to basic facts that the whole team should know.

After Jeopardy we spent an hour introducing ourselves and explaining our service positions and duties. I was so nervous for some reason I could barely talk!! During my presentation to the board of directors for my service site (who just happen to be the board of directors of the grantee organization)....I wasn't even a quarter as nervous!

Lunch, and then we went over a "Service project idea selection exercise"After this slightly anxiety producing exercise we played the other second year team game of Charades/pictionary. I'm proud to say this highly successful game was my idea! I'm usually the "make it happen" person in the group and not the idea person, so it was a nice change for me. Plus it's always a positive experience to have your team not only listen to you...but agree with you! It's quite a treat in fact!

Our game kept the whole team engaged the entire time! Laughs and much fun ensued for the next hour or so. The game went smoothly despite one person claiming points were not added to her teams score, which was almost immediately verified as incorrect by our director who had apparently been keeping score as well.

Before the game was over I had to leave the room for some fresh air. I was getting sick from the smell of the dry erase markers. I happened to notice a group of my clients that had showed up for choir practice (a club/activity I established last year). My excitement that the program continued without me being around was such that I had to duck in and sing a quick song with them. I was met with a very warm and moving reception. It inspired me all over again.

Then....orientation was over for the day. It was a pretty good day!

There was a few interactions I had that were not pleasant. One was my fault, one was not.

Interaction 1: As agreed, Cherry and I do not set beside each other. I sat my binder down on the end of a table, as I feel less confined when I don't have people on either side of me. The Mouth immediately came in and set her binder next to me. Her social support then set beside of her and glanced over at me with a grin. Without missing a beat, and not acknowledging her presence at all (except for with the fact I was moving) grabbed my binder calmly while talking with another member and moved. She then proceeded to make loud comments and snicker. Yes...I could have stayed there, but why let myself be set up for such an upsetting day? Moving was the most viable option to a positive day.Well because of limiting seating at that moment, I ended up just being a few seats to their right and one row up.

:::sigh:::

After dealing with this and other small negative interactions all day without being able to lean on "my" social support at all...my day was going to the birds!

Interaction 2: Our director asked that we participate in an emotion "check in". For this we were to choose a fruit and describe how it pertained to our emotion at the time. I tried not to play by very quietly not offering my emotion. But she caught me. As a durian was already taken, I decided to be a....

Lemon: Approach me the right way and I'll enhance the flavor. Cut into me the wrong way and I squirt you in the eye!

Lol...I didn't quite get out the message I was trying to say which was...I can make things better or worse with my reaction to your "initial action".

Well to this (although there were plenty of other more sever emotions going on)...she acted shocked, and said "right now?" in her...."wtf"...way of saying things. It startled me, but I shelved it for the moment.

Well at the end of the day, when I was trying to hurry Cherry up because I wanted to get home fast the director made a joke at my expense and said "You almost got squirt in the eye Cherry!"

I was a bit put off and probably won't be sincere and honest about that type of thing again.

Day 6: Orientation day 3

The great AmeriCorps has eyes and ears everywhere. Including facebook. Deleting the e&e would cause more drama then not. So for now I just hide posts. But I need to just stop using facebook all together. Souly rely on this blog to deal with those feelings and content.

Looking at the orientation schedule for today we have...

Morning exercises designed to describe our "personalities and working methods" meant stigmatize and present our differences to each other.

Lunch

Team building exercise and...well who would have thunk...a warning on using social media.

I promise to update about all of this at the end of the day.

Update: Way too tired to do the orientation justice today. Will catch up tomorrow.

Day 5: Labor Day

11:20pm at night, and I'm avoiding bed as I realize as soon as I lay down I'll be waking up to another day of negative, stomach churning, spine tingling, flushed cheeks high stress. I have never worked any place that I have felt so "attacked" so frequently. I hate to admit it but The Mouth really has had an effect on my AmeriCorps experience.

I have always held to the belief that it's ok to be "quiet". That being believed doesn't have anything to do with how loud or fast you are to run to a supervisor. I've also believed that interpersonal drama lost it's status as "supervisor worthy complaints) back in...well high school.

Last year The Mouth proved me wrong. True that I know more people then not realize her for the lying, manipulative, unproductive loud mouth she is...but that does nothing to relieve the stress she will induce tomorrow. :( And I have no doubt that she will prove herself so unworthy of her new service sight she will end up serving the rest of her term at mine...again!!!

Well, time to stop obsessing over this and try to get enough sleep so that I can bite my tongue hard enough to retain my position. Lol.

Hopefully this blog will begin to reflect the positives I have experienced and will experience during my term(s) of service. But during the orientation process it will most likely serve as a sounding board.

10 days until I get back to the people I signed up for a 3rd term to serve!!